Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize