I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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