I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize