Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize