Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
