Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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