I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
