9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
