is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
