I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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