I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
