I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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