Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
how drunk are you?
Several
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
