A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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