Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
