Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
