i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
