I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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