Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
