why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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