I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
