He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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