Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
