I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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