They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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