Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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