apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
