I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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