if only i could text you this smell
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
