I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
