he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
