I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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