What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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