I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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