i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
