my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
