tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
