Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We got so high we made milksteak
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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