I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
