y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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