I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
