How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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