shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
