everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
