my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My liver just broke up with me...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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