Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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