just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
