literally had 100 drinks last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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