When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
