i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
