We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
