i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
