The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
