Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
