I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize