It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize